Hey everyone, and welcome back to Fake or Gay! Marissa and I here at this powerful blog are fans of the Jay Baruchel film Goon. The two of us have watched it separately, but never together. We decided to amend that. I hope you're expecting a Goon liveblog!

I have decided for the good of the Earth that there must be a post comparing pictures of dogs to players on the San Jose Sharks. So here we go.

it was 3-0 4-0

Was this a regression? What does regression mean? I see a lot of bloggers using that word, and if it’s negative and being used around Mike Richards, then it’s probably true.

Welcome back to a brand new season of NHL hockey! Fake or Gay has returned (maybe) from a short break to talk to you, once again, about hockey and other hockey related things. We've got some big plans for this season (no we don't). We'll make you laugh! We'll make you cry! We'll pat your back in commiseration as your team loses because of poor managerial decisions!

But first, here are some things that happened during the off-season...

Remember Sam Gagner? You know: short, kinda looked like an elf, played for the Oilers for a few years? Yeah, that guy. Well, we have some bad news about him.

[EDIT CTSAI666 8/7/14 6:05 AM] Let the record show that I do not condone this

You may remember that at some point during the 2013-2014 season, Roberto Luongo was traded to the Florida Panthers for a bag of peanuts and a small, lime green trashcan. This rather a-🌴-ing event was a Huge Part of the Season, but let's go ahead and skip over that, because there's one thing that's more important than that trade while still also being sort of related to that trade, and that's Eddie Lack.

Phew! It's been a wild month here at Fake Or Gay. I guess the only question we can ask is:

Are we famous yet?

Have you ever entered hockey fandom only to realize that you had no idea what anyone was talking about? “Advanced statistics”–or, more colloquially, “nerd talk”–is an important part of analyzing hockey games and talking about hockey games to other hockey fans. Some hockey fans will tell you that all you need to do is “watch the game” to understand who is a good player and who isn’t. However, statistics can show patterns beneath simple “eye tests”, because eyes aren’t really that reliable and you probably haven’t been to an optometrist in years.

Unfortunately, just like wedgies, advanced statistics strike at the most inopportune times. You can protect yourself from feeling utterly confused by reading this article, which we have developed to help you learn nerd talk within a few short minutes. The terms these “armchair experts” use can be very confusing, but allow us to simplify them all for you.

Can you review trash? Like, is that a thing? Can I rate trash from one to ten on a level of trashiness? Are there sanitation websites that are entirely centered around reviewing the quality of trash?

There's really only one question you can ask when it comes to Ryan Kesler.

Everyone, it's me—Anastasia. You may remember a post I made last week called Boobies: The John Tortora Argument. This is the follow-up post.

 Much like Usher's Confessions Part I and Part II, Part II is where the steamy gets steamier. I haven't slept more than five hours in three days. This is the result of that. Good luck.

Here at Fake Or Gay, we like to have our fun. We also like to talk about fun things, like Jonathan Quick's soft tummy and Joe Thornton's literally massive jockstrap and the one time Alex Galchenyuk got really hot in three years. We're two important, serious people who tell you guys about things that we think are important and serious.

There is one specific thing we would like to talk to you about today, and it’s not fun, but it's deathly important and serious. We speak of two words that strike fear into the hearts of men and women alike: ice girls.

Other blogs will be writing obituaries for Mike Richards’ talent this offseason, completely missing the biggest “RIP” of the entire year.