"'Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning"
Many people would look at Jeff Carter and say, "Man, that dude is a wreck of a human being."They are 90% correct.
This is the kind of guy who looks incredible in a suit yet looks like a flea-ridden and mangy coyote at all other times. This is the guy whose hypothetical Tinder profile picture has two other people in it so you know he's the least hot one. He's the same dude who gets like a hundred thousand hits if you type his name plus the word "drinking" into Google Images. His favorite kind of ice cream is probably pistachio ice cream.
Yet why is he so perfect?
Scientists have been trying to get to the bottom of the Jeff Carter situation for decades. Jeff Carter eludes physics, he eludes mathematics, he eludes ever single basic rule of science anyone has ever known. Albert Einstein declared Jeff Carter "f***cking impossible" in 1956. And Jeff Carter wasn't even alive in 1956.
If you remember from our review of Mike Richards' season, we called Jeff Carter Daedalus. There may not be a better Greek metaphor for Jeff Carter. He had his wings of wax and he never flew too close to the sun, just cruised from the ancient Greek equivalent of Columbus to the ancient Greek equivalent of Los Angeles. Also he probably cried a lot. And he was rewarded for this! Not the crying but the cruising. Dude looks good (sometimes), mostly because his wings never melted and he never crashed into the ocean (the ocean here being a metaphor for "similarity to a human crab apple"). Maybe Jeff Carter and Mike Richards made some sort of pact with the devil and Mike broke the pact but Jeff didn't, and all the good stuff from Mike's pact went to Jeff's pact. Is that something you can do in pact with the devil? We just don't know. Maybe Jeff just didn't do copious amounts of coke all the time.
I guess Jeff Carter is good at hockey too, or something, and that's why he's an NHL player. I don't know. I don't really care about Jeff Carter most of the time. I only care about him when his face is in front of me and I close my eyes as I touch my hand to my computer screen, imagining that mangy, godawful face under mine. The disgusting, toothbrush-like bristles of his face scraping against mine until the skin falls off. His giant hands crushing all of my bones, but in a nice way. The way he falls asleep right after.
He's like if god spilled a person but that spill ended up looking like the Virgin Mary or Jesus or something
[MCOLES69 ETA 7/11/14 10:49 PM]
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