2013-14 Season in Review: Eddie Lack

You may remember that at some point during the 2013-2014 season, Roberto Luongo was traded to the Florida Panthers for a bag of peanuts and a small, lime green trashcan. This rather a-🌴-ing event was a Huge Part of the Season, but let's go ahead and skip over that, because there's one thing that's more important than that trade while still also being sort of related to that trade, and that's Eddie Lack.

Some people may say that Eddie Lack is not the finest person in the world, but I am not those people.

Let's just go ahead and ignore his goalie skills and his Nerd Stats and whatever else people use to classify and categorize their favorite hockey players. Like, who cares. In the real world no one cares about how many pucks you can put in your glove or if you're really good at redirecting rebounds with your pads or if your five hole is disarmingly and suspiciously small (actually, that's a valid concern, let's put that back on the list). What people do care about is if you're funny, and cute, and have long legs, and are also funny. I said funny twice because Eddie Lack is pretty funny if his Twitter says anything about him. Which it kind of does.

Pretend for a second that you're a bird, and you're a small-ish bird. Pretend that Eddie Lack is a stork, because that's the animal he's most like, and that one day you're at a river plucking up watercress or something, when suddenly a mountain lion comes out of nowhere, and you're like, oh my god, I'm going to die, but then Eddie Lack shows up out of nowhere and he beats back the mountain lion with his frankly terrifyingly long legs, and you're like, Eddie, you saved my life, and suddenly ABBA starts playing and he dances with you to ABBA until you're happy and breathless and your cheeks are pink, and you don't think you're in love, but you know that someone out there cares for you, and you feel warm and safe.

Eddie lack is a 10/10 on the Swedish Scale of Charm, and when you convert that into American dollars that's like a 16/10. For all you Canadians out there that's about 17.20/10.