it was
Apparently something like a "regular season ice hockey game" happened last Wednesday at approximately 8 PM PST, but I was too busy "exercising" and "being at an ice hockey practice" and "failing to score a goal unless it was a garbage goal" to watch. However, I will recap this game as best as I possibly can.
The Kings opened scoring first, apparently on their first shot against teen heartthrob and Romeo to Tyler Toffoli's Juliet, Martin Jones. Jones, for his part, stayed cool and collected, I guess, though I imagine it's because he ripped his heart out after getting traded from the Kings so he would never have to deal with the emotional turmoil he faces every day that he can't gaze into Tyler Toffoli's sleeping face. The Kings failed to score another goal for the rest of the game, by the way. However, the combined power of their #grit and #tenacity is basically a goal in my book, so let's go ahead and call the final tally 5-2 right now.
Joe Thornton opened the scoring for the San Jose Sharks with a rifle of a shot. I assume he tried to pass to Paul Martin but forgot who Paul Martin was and decided to just pass it right into the net. "Is Paul Martin actually on my team?" Joe Thornton wondered. "This gingerbread man who smells like oatmeal chocolate chip scones and a small, cozy fire burning in the fireplace of a wood cabin... I don't know if I can trust him, though my heart says yes, wholeheartedly and entirely." Something something, four other goals. Finnish rookie or whatever. Literal two ton prism Tomas Hertl, yadda yadda. Mike Brown??? You know how that story goes.
This was when I lost interest because, if you haven't heard, the musical "Hamilton" is on Spotify in what is more or less its entirety, and I have been physically incapable of not listening to "Hamilton" at any point of time during the day if I can help it. Have you listened to "Hamilton?" Please listen to "Hamilton." It's a musical based on the life of the "ten dollar Founding Father" Alexander Hamilton.
Like, okay, I know what you're saying. "This is such nerdy bullshit, Conrad. We're not here for a 'Hamilton' play-by-play, we're here for the Los Angeles Kings vs. San Jose Sharks play-by-play even though we know exactly what has happened and we don't actually need you to talk about this because, guess what, we can see video highlights on the Internet." But, okay, I dare you to listen to the first song off the album, "Alexander Hamilton," and stop listening once you hear Lin-Manuel Miranda declare "my name is Alexander Hamilton / And there's a million things I haven't done / But just you wait, just you wait." It's impossible.
Then the rest of the album is one glorious, tearful slide through the tumultuous life of possibly America's most handsome Founding Father. It's impossible not to scream, "Everyone give it up for America's favorite fighting Frenchman!" with Aaron Burr in "Guns and Ships." It's impossible not to get through the entirety of "You'll Be Back" without it getting stuck in your head. "It's impossible not to rap "He's never gon' be President now" with Thomas Jefferson and James Madison in "Reynold's Pamphlet." It's impossible not to cry through a deply concerning number of songs, namely "Dear Theodosia," "Stay Alive (Reprise)," and "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story." And now you know that Martha Johnson named her cat "Hamilton" after—you guessed it—Alexander Hamilton.
In my opinion, the musical "Hamilton" is far more important than any "ice hockey" that can be played on a "regulation ice rink" in any "city" across "North America." I mean, you tell me. What's more important: watching some human being try to put a piece of coal into some string bars or listening to a cabinet debate in the form of a rap battle between Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton? I know my answer.
And look, you can listen to the entire album right now if you have Spotify. Isn't that amazing? Please listen to it. Listen, laugh, rap, cry, yell, scream, cry some more, then come talk to us @FOGSquad, @atrodorsus, and/or @gaboriks. Please.
Anyways, let's not get too cocky, Sharks fans. As Aaron Burr raps in "Non-Stop," "Soon that attitude may be your doom." There's a whole bunch more games this year. A 3-0 start means nothing but pushing the tears off to a different date in the future, or even right now if you listen to "Quiet Uptown." We'll see what happens.
Shout-out to the Ags. Specifically you, Kyle. What up?
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