Your NHL Playoff Injury According To Your Horoscope

We're right in the thick of playoffs! Hopefully your team (or the team you're desperately hoping will destroy that one team you dislike so much you want nothing more than to watch them crash and burn) is still hanging on. Here's a question, though: do you know what your horoscope for the day is? You might wanna take a look!

Aries.
OUCH! Puck to the eye that you can’t shake off. It’s only through pure grit you’re able to get back on the ice. You can’t see where your defense partner is through all the blood, but at least he’s always looked good in red?

Taurus.
Looks like a vague lower body injury for you, buddy. Let’s hope the kids are okay with daddy not being able to pick them up anymore; grit is forever, preservation of your earthly form isn’t.

Gemini.
Concussion. If you’re lucky, you will be used as a pre-game example of how tragic traumatic brain injuries are for five minutes (with lots of emphasis on your grit), before a fight breaks out on the ice and everyone forgets again.

Cancer.
You aren’t hiding an injury, as much as the fans think. You just aren’t that great at hockey.

Leo.
You are missing a bone. Where did it go? No one knows. It’s a medical mystery. It was there one day and gone the next. Paul, the trainer, keeps looking at you untrustingly; almost as if, by choice, you decided that the patella wasn’t a critical aspect of your knee structure and did away with it. Grit beats knee functionality, so you plan to play the rest of the playoffs before seeing a specialist and maybe a priest.

Virgo.
I know, I know: Balding isn’t a hidden injury, but no one can look you in the eyes, so your crippled ego is really taking the team down a notch. Through pure grit, you manage to finish the season without giving up on the hope it’ll grow back. You don’t shave.

Libra.
Your self-admitted disbelief in horoscopes has caused bad karma and now every time you direct the puck to the left, it actually goes to the right. Even though most players would view this as reason enough to bench themselves, your grit causes you to refuse. Hopefully a summer of golf and praying to a higher power once the season is over will get you back on track.

Scorpio.
Something about the chord progressions in the eternal NHL arena classic hit “Don’t Stop Believing” makes you break out in hives suddenly. It’s a surprise to you and the the team medics because the previous 16,000+ times you’ve heard it have been perfectly fine. You bring it up to the organist and he just laughs you off. You’re nervous, but after all, hockey is about grit. You go back on the ice and you try to sing along to the lyrics as your throat begins to close up.

Sagittarius.
You suffer a broken collarbone and sit out the rest of the playoffs because you have no grit.

Capricorn.
Some time in the past few weeks—you can’t place when exactly, which makes you nervous—your heart has decided to stop beating. The trainers and doctors and specialists can’t find anything else wrong with you though, other than the fact that it just sits in your chest, doing nothing. All your other organs are functioning normally, your blood is still propelling itself through your veins; with playoffs on the line and a lack of healthy players on the blueline, you stay on the ice. You marvel at the fact that this, this pure grit, is something that only hockey players have. Would Lebron still be on the court if his heart stopped beating? You don’t think so.

Aquarius.
A mishap in the hot tub (the result of some rookie hazing) has left one testicle… questionable for tonight’s game. Through lots of grit and painkillers, you hit the ice.
 
Pisces.
You broke your nose for the umpteenth time, but you play anyway. Without a visor. Pure grit. Fuck yeah.