Have you ever felt like staring into the abyss? Have you ever desired nothing more than to sink into the pits of the earth? Have you ever felt as if your very soul is filled with ennui? Well, we have the article for you. This is a list, carefully compiled by yours truly, of the best places to go to when you hate yourself. They also happen to be arenas, so you can watch hockey and slide deeper into oblivion!
6. First Niagara Center
How could I not include the First Niagara Center on this list? If you don't know, this is where the Buffalo Sabres play. The only reason why this arena is so low on the list is because if you willingly go to the First Niagara Center to watch the Buffalo Sabres play, the only person you have to blame is yourself. There is a particular person who goes to watch the Buffalo Sabres, and that's an optimist so deluded that there is nowhere to go but up in any situation at all. You probably don't actually hate yourself, or you do, but you hate yourself so much that the dial swung all the way around and you're at dangerously high levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. You might as well go, actually, because I feel like that would solve a lot of problems.
5. TD Garden
Why would anyone go to TD Garden? Probably only if you're there to exorcise all the souls haunting the place, or if you're so lost in life that you need to become one with the masses to find out who you are. You can sit in the seats and put your head in your hands and whisper, "Why god? Why have you forsaken me like this?" the tears pouring down your cheeks, never-ending. Not only are Bostonians completely indecipherable, they are probably all murderers. I have been to Boston and I am 90% certain all Bostonians are clones of Milan Lucic or Brad Marchand and just waiting for the perfect time to rip my face off. There is also the chance that Tuukka Rask will throw his stick at you, severing your head from your body. Do you want to risk it? Do not go to TD Garden.
4. Staples Center
The only reason why Staples Center isn't higher on this list is because there are actually worse places on this list. Now, I may be biased, as a long-time NorCaler, but frick Staples Center. Not only are you bombarded on all sides by SoCalers, the only people worse than NorCalers, but you have to deal with everything else. The Cartman voice screaming at you like the unholy voice of Satan himself. People wearing Doughty jerseys. People wearing Voynov jerseys. People wearing Doughty jerseys under their Voynov jerseys. It's inescapable. Plus you'll inevitably find someone rooting for the opposing team screaming something about the "Queens," and you won't have the chance to turn around and punch right through their ribcage because that's considered "bad manners." Avoid.
3. United Center
Look, yes, the Hawks are a great team. A spectacular team, even. They do a lot of things right. But do you really wanna go to the United Center? Just take one minute to think about how many drunk white people wearing headdresses you'll see there. How many people loudly defending Patrick Kane because "yeah he did bad things before, but he's changed. He's a whole new person now." Going to the United Center is kind of like staring at your dentist while you pull tooth after tooth out of your own mouth. His face contorts in horror. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to yourself? Because the universe itself is a grotesque mistake, you scream, your mouth filling with blood, and the United Center is where the most grotesque of all mistakes is. Steer clear.
2. Air Canada Centre
"Even the scalpers at the Air Canada Centre hate themselves." How could they not? The Air Canada Centre is where dreams go to die. Can you imagine paying something like C$350 to watch your favorite team of apocalyptic nightmares play and lose to the Carolina Hurricanes? I mean, no disrespect to the Carolina Hurricanes, but they are not a particularly good team. In fact, they are a bad team. And the Maple Leafs are worse. I'm pretty sure the souls of hundreds of former Maple Leafs currently haunt the Air Canada Centre. Just the bad vibes alone are enough to keep you away from the ACC, and yet people still go. I assume it's out of some sort of masochistic desire to have a knife shoved into their heart repeatedly. Dear God, who would do this to themselves? Not even Drake can fix it. Not even Drake.
1. Honda Center
I mean. It's the Honda Center. The Honda Center is where people stare into the abyss so they know what the darkness is like in an attempt to pull themselves out of the lowest point of their lives. People want their ashes scattered in the Honda Center because if there is an afterlife, if there is any chance that your soul stays on this godforsaken earth, if there is any horrible, terrible place on Earth to haunt, it'll be there. Going to the Honda Center is the equivalent of being trapped in a nightmare that ends only when you accept that god is dead and there is nothing left in the world for you so you throw yourself into the the bottomless pit that has been scratching at the edges of your subconscious. When the Honda Center inevitably slides into the ocean, we'll all breathe a sigh of relief. It can't hurt us anymore.
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