FOGSquad 2015-16 Season Primer: I Literally Cannot Spell Leafs Properly Anymore Edition

In preparation for the upcoming 2015-16 season, FOGSquad will post a season primer of every NHL team every other day until the beginning of the season on October 7th. This is thus part seven of a thirty part series. We hope you enjoy!

Last season’s review
Long story short: it wasn’t good.

Short story long: have you ever watched Pacific Rim? If you haven’t, you should just skip this entire next paragraph, but if you have, you’ll understand my metaphor. You know in that one scene where young Mako Mori is walking around with her little red shoe, crying after the attack by the kaiju? Okay, and you know that part where Stacker Pentecost comes out of his mecha thing and he looks like an angel? Imagine if instead of Stacker Pentecost (played by Idris Elba, obviously, like anyone else could play Stacker Pentecost) emerging from the mecha to save the day and raise this wonderful young girl as his own daughter, it was Vince Vaughn clambering out of a dilapidated cardboard-and-superglue monstrosity, coughing with smoker’s lung. That’s what the Leaf’s 2014-15 campaign felt like.

This season’s preview
Both Phil Kessel and Cody Franson are gone, so what’s the point? Who’s left? Nazem Kadri, I suppose, but in my opinion Nazem Kadri’s clone has been playing since 2012 and the real Nazem Kadri is currently chilling in Maui.

I guess you can argue that there are some great players coming down the pipe for the Leafs, but I don’t have much hope when it comes to Swede, Hot Swede, and Other Hot Swede. Call me a pessimist, but this isn’t America’s Next Top Model. This is Canada’s Next Top Model, which has nothing to do with modeling (unlike its American counterpart) and a lot to do with this sport called “hockey.”

The official FOGSquad prediction
The Leafs pull off an incredible 12-game win streak in March, leading many of their fans to believe that they will make the playoffs. They do not.

Players to watch

• Brendan Shanahan. Sure, he isn’t playing anymore, but have you seen Shanahan lately? Goddamn, sir. He’s almost fifty and killing it. Put that face on the highlight reel.
• Nazem Kadri. I’m pretty sure Nazem Kadri is a good hockey player. You should look at him constantly because why wouldn’t you?
• Every single business person sitting in the lower bowl who isn’t actually paying attention.