Welcome to the Western Conference Finals, Sharks fans! This has been a long time coming, both the Sharks' arrival in the third round and this article.
1. Small crumbs from the continental breakfast he ate this morning
It's difficult to eat a meal when your beard is the approximate size of your face without getting anything trapped in it! Hopefully he takes a comb to his beard; gotta make sure it's nice and clean!
2. Four robin eggs and the nest they were cradled in
It's true: exactly four robin eggs are inside Joe Thornton's beard at this exact moment. It's a little sad that those robins will never see their children again, but don't worry: Joe Thornton may play a high-impact sport, but his beard is a perfect insulator and will protect the most fragile of things—even robin eggs!—from any harm. In a few weeks we'll see some lovely birds flutter out of his beard and immediately imprint onto Joe Thornton as their primary caretaker. What a dad!
3. My ex-girlfriend's sense of honor and loyalty
I mean, this has to have gone somewhere. She certainly doesn't have it anymore. Maybe when Joe grooms his beard he'll find it and return it to her? I don't know if she'd ever want it back, though.
4. Dustin Brown's shillelagh he received as a gift from a person he met outside of Staples Center for reasons he doesn't understand
Now how did this get stuck in there? Not even Dustin Brown knows! Hopefully Joe Thornton will be so kind as to send Dustin Brown's shillelagh back to him as his earliest convenience. You never know when Dustin Brown might need it!
5. Brent Burns' beard
Oh, dear! It seems like Brent Burns' beard has also gotten lost in Joe Thornton's beard. No wonder it's so puffy! Hopefully they can get their beard disentangled before any real harm is caused. Brent Burns is gonna need his face, after all.
6. Ryan Johansen's number
Ryan Johansen's been waiting for days for Joe Thornton, his childhood hero, to call him back.
"I'll call you as soon as you get back to Nashville," Joe had promised in the line when Ryan—hands shaking from nerves, god, he wasn't this nervous playing that game—gave him the little slip of paper with his cellphone number on it. Ryan could barely speak, throat closing up with emotion as he gazed into the older man's eyes. Heart slamming against his ribcage for reasons he didn't understand.
"Yeah," he says. "I'll wait for it."
Joe had smiled at him as his hand gave Ryan's one last squeeze, and then he was moving on. Ryan felt off-kilter, like he'd stepped off the staircase thinking there was another step, only to land firmly on flat ground.
But that had been days ago. Days. His nails have been bitten to the quick. His phone buzzes with texts from friends and family sharing their condolences and random notifications from social media. The hope he had been clinging to slips away as the hours pass. He still jumps every time his phone vibrates.
7. At least one Skittle
There's no way Joe Thornton hasn't lost at least one Skittle in his beard. They're small and sort of circular, which means they roll pretty easily, so the probability of Joe Thornton accidentally dropping a Skittle into his beard is pretty high. No one knows if Joe Thornton actually enjoys Skittles, so it's actually entirely possible that he has never had a Skittle lost in his beard, but I'd like to think a majority of people enjoy Skittles, whether sour or regular.
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