NHL Mascots Ranked By Fuckability, Even Though We Aren't Furries

Have you ever seen a mascot and thought, "Damn, I'd plow that?" So have we.

We would just like to clarify that we are definitely not furries. Not even a little bit! You couldn't find us in a fursuit if we got kidnapped and the criminal demanded that we put one on. However, you have to admit that some of the fellas in those costumes... well, call us hypocrites, but we'd get down and dirty with 'em.

28. Wildwing
Imagine this scenario: you're on the couch making out with Wildwing. You're really feeling it and you think the two of you could go all the way. Then his beak stabs you in the throat, and you can't stop coughing. Wildwing gets worried and drives you to the hospital, only he can't see very well over his beak, and he swerves into a tree because he thinks there's a squirrel in the road, but it's actually a chunk of ground beef that's sitting in his line of vision. Luckily you're both fine, but you have to call a tow truck. Then you have to call an Uber, and it's surge pricing. The doctor says you're fine but your throat hurts a ton and there's not much they can do about it other than give you, like, a handful of Tyenol. You and Wildwing awkwardly get an Uber back to your place but by that time you're not feeling it anymore and he goes home and you never talk to him again.

27. Tommyhawk (Chicago Blackhawks)
Nordy should've finished him off.

26. Iceburgh (Pittsburgh Penguins)
A freak, and not in the good way.

25. Hunter (Edmonton Oilers)
If you went home with him he'd cut you into a million tiny pieces and then turn you into a stew. Hard pass.

24. Nordy (Minnesota Wild)

Nordy looks like the guy who cried after you took his virginity on prom night, and then thought you were dating for two weeks until you finally told him that you aren't actually dating, and then he got super sad and wrote bad poetry that he left on your desk for four weeks until he started going out with the goth girl in your algebra class.

23. Spartacat (Ottawa Senators)
Will probably kill you and steal your teeth as a trophy.

22. Bernie the St. Bernard (Colorado Avalanche)
Too gentle. If you're into that move him into 4th, but otherwise? Nah.

21. Sabretooth (Buffalo Sabres)
Knock-off Gnash. Why go here when you can get the real thing?

20. Stanley the Panther (Florida Panthers)

Probably halfway decent in bed but insists that Marco Rubio is like, a super good governor, or something. He's not even a governor, he's a senator. Maybe stick around for the one night stand but you're out by 9 am.

19. Louie (St. Louis Blues)
You gotta wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

[EDIT: 10/14/17] Chance (Vegas Golden Knights)
Doesn't moisturize.

18. Howler the Coyote (Arizona Coyotes)
Probably makes you wake up early to make him breakfast and doesn't even do the dishes.

17. Blades the Bruin (Boston Bruins)
Not nearly as hot as Carlton, but definitely lives in Back Bay, which means at the very least that if he's not good at plowing he probably has a really, really nice apartment. So that's one thing he's got going for him.

16.  Bailey (Los Angeles Kings)
He's kind of an asshole, but when he texts you at 2:16 am with that "wyd" you still invite him over. Dick too bomb, that's why.

15. S.J. Sharkie (San Jose Sharks)
His jaw moves up and down. Think about everything he could fit in that mouth. He could definitely vore you, if you're into that.

14. Slapshot (Washington Capitals)

Cloaca.

13. Stormy (Carolina Hurricanes)
Underrated. Hurricanes bring rain, and when he's done with you North Carolina's not gonna be the only thing that's soaking.

12. Thunderbug (Tampa Bay Lightning)
Thunderbug looks like he'd string you up with some rope bondage and lavish you with that extra sexy aftercare. Plus he'd make you breakfast in bed. A real keeper.

11. Stinger (Columbus Blue Jackets)

Stinger's got a slight edge on Thunderbug just 'cause he's got that bubble butt.

10. Carlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs)
That smoldering gaze stares right into you while he folds you into a pretzel. Take me away already!

9. Viktor E. Green (Dallas Stars)
He's a furry alien from space. He's gonna dick you down intergalactically.

8. Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets)
The E stands for extra sexy.

7. Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders)
Oh, hell yes. Classic bangable mascot material.

6. Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)

I know that Al the Octopus doesn't exist as anything more than a giant inflatable octopus. However, he's got eight tentacles. That's plenty.

5. Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames)
What that mouth do? What do all 300 inches of that tongue do?

4. Fin the Whale (Vancouver Canucks)
Those teeth. Oh yes. Fin could suck all my blood out of my body and I'd thank him.

3. Youppi! (Montreal Canadiens)
You can deny it all you want, but Youppi!'s a freak. He's got an exclamation mark at the end of his name because everything you say will be exclaimed when he's done with you. Need me a mans like that.

2. N.J. Devil (New Jersey Devils)
He's bad. He's buff. I want him inside me.

1. Gnash (Nashville Predators)

Gnash makes me want to be a furry. Yiff me, saber tooth daddy!