FOGCast #1: Eich Too Drunk To Talk

 The FOGCast is back in town, and we're joined by a special guest: Jack Eichel! The full transcript of this episode is under the cut. Enjoy!
If the player doesn't show up above, please listen to the podcast here.

CONRAD	Welcome to FOGCast... We're live, you know this, right, Marissa?
MARISSA	Hello?
JACK EICHEL	We are live here.
CONRAD	We are live, honestly. We are live.
MARISSA	[quietly] You talk first.
CONRAD	Uh, welcome to FOGCast #1, I don't know what's happening. Everyone in this room is slightly tipsy, so we're gonna get started!
MARISSA	Hi! This is Marissa Coleman, also known as Twitter user @gaboriks. If you're not— [laughs] if you're not following, please consider. Um, so we have a great podcast for you, we got Jack Eichel here, he's ready to be interviewed. We have Conrad, @aterodorsus—
CONRAD	It's atrodorsus, thank you very much.
MARISSA	Consider following her, not as critical as the first option.
CONRAD	Clearly, clearly.
MARISSA	Um, if you have any questions, feel free to @FOGsquad, we'll try to answer them unless they're terrible questions and then we'll ignore them.
CONRAD	I obviously—
MARISSA	'Cause I really don't have time for most of your bullshit right now.
CONRAD	Honestly, clearly you can also call in, but we would prefer if you didn't, we don't want to hear your voices, uh—
MARISSA	We don't have time to listen to you.
CONRAD	Exactly. Like we would much rather read text, um. So, Marissa, what's the—what's the first thing we're gonna talk about tonight?
MARISSA	Um, let's see what our questions—we have gotten so far.
CONRAD	I honestly don't think we've gotten a single question.
MARISSA	Um, "What's your fav Hamilton song?" [pause] Um, the one where he dies. Let's move on. "How much do you love me?" from Stepho. Um. I don't know.
CONRAD	That's a—that's a terrible question to ask of FOGSquad.
MARISSA	I know, it's like—I feel very put on the spot right now.
CONRAD	Like, honestly. Like, if you asked me that—
MARISSA	I've seen this tweet for ten minutes and I feel very put on the spot.
CONRAD	I mean, honestly, maybe you should just start thinking better. But I don't know. It's hard to think right now, to be honest.
MARISSA	How many people are listening in?
CONRAD	Do you want a cinnamon donut?
MARISSA	I don't want a cinnamon donut.
CONRAD	Are you sure?
MARISSA	Um, I don't know if you can even hear Conrad.
JACK EICHEL	Nutter Butter?
CONRAD	I mean—eat your fucking—eat your own Nutter Butter!
MARISSA	Um.
JACK EICHEL	[laughs]
MARISSA	I don't know how we can tell how many—well, please @ me if you're listening.
CONRAD	Don't @ her. She just wants the attention. It would be [unintelligible].
MARISSA	I do. I really want—I'm like Tyler Seguin. But of the Twitter—tweeting sphere.
CONRAD	You do know that Tyler Seguin also has a Twitter, right? You are aware of this?
MARISSA	Yeah.
CONRAD	Remember that time that he got hacked by his friends?
MARISSA	I don't wanna talk about this.
CONRAD	[laughs]
MARISSA	I don't think this is worth any time or energy.
CONRAD	Uh, let's move on to, uh, Jamie Benn. What do you think about Jamie Benn, Marissa?
MARISSA	Are we just gonna talk about the Stars the entire time?
CONRAD	I honestly think we should start talking trash now.
JACK EICHEL	Guys, are we gonna start? I have a game tomorrow. Can I get, like, on this interview so I can get back to Buffalo?
MARISSA	[laughs]
CONRAD	Alright, uh, so we got Jack Eichel here with us. I'm not sure why he's here. Uh, he wants to talk. I'm gonna let him talk.
JACK EICHEL	What are you—are you gonna interview me or are you just gonna let me talk? I mean, what do you want me to do here?
CONRAD	I mean, like, what do you think about Jamie Benn, Jack?
JACK EICHEL	Jamie Benn? I feel like—he's carrying his team, but I feel like I could carry my team to the Cup, you know? Like, here I am, coming from Buffalo, but—coming from Boston, but here—
CONRAD	[laughs]
JACK EICHEL	I am in Buffalo now, ready to win this fucking Cup, you know? So here we go!
CONRAD	Jack, uh, Jack, you have a game tomorrow. You sound slightly, uh, slightly tipsy. Are you—you okay? Do you think—
JACK EICHEL	I don't drink. What are you talking about? I fucking train—
CONRAD	Uh—
JACK EICHEL	Twenty, twenty seven.
CONRAD	Shh, you gotta [unintelligible]—
JACK EICHEL	Twenty seven. I get four hours of sleep. I get twenty seven. I get seven hours on the ice. I get a good four hour rest, eating lunch. I get the good four hour lunch. I get another seven hours on the ice. What's that? Seven, fourteen, plus four, eighteen—
CONRAD	[laughing]
JACK EICHEL	I get another six hours where I just work out, and then I'm going to bed, you know? That's how I do it. Don't accuse me of wasting my fucking time. I don't waste time here. I drink—never. [laughing] Never, I drink.
CONRAD	Never? You drink never?
JACK EICHEL	Me and—me and Evander Kane, we just hang out. And we just work out. That's us. Us. Buddy linemates. Good to go. Ready for the game tomorrow. Gonna score hundreds of goals here.
C/M	[laughing]
JACK EICHEL	We're gonna do this shit. [pause] Now what else you got coming for me?
C/M	[laughing]
CONRAD	Uh, honestly, I don't know. Marissa, do you have a question for Jack?
MARISSA	Why?
JACK EICHEL	Why? Why? Why? Because I fucking want to win. I win. Period.
CONRAD	Uh—
JACK EICHEL	That's what I do. I was born, 1996, to win. '96 is a winning year. Besides Evander Kane's year—I forget when he was born—but you know what? Me and him, we win. That's what we do.
MARISSA	Isn't Evander Kane, like, eighty years old by now?
CONRAD	Evander Kane is a nice, like, round number, I think? I think he's like twenty eight.
JACK EICHEL	Let me—let me look it up on the roster real quick. But I'm pretty sure—
CONRAD	You would think you would know how old Evander Kane is.
JACK EICHEL	I know how old Evan—like, are you serious? Are you seriously asking me how old Evander Kane is?
CONRAD	Yes, I am.
JACK EICHEL	Like, what do you think he is? Like, I wanna ev—like, how—come on. How—how old do you think he is? Like, are you serious right now?
MARISSA	[unintelligible] he's all saying this while furiously Googling [laughing] on his phone.
CONRAD	[laughing]
JACK EICHEL	Do you even know—like, come on. He—he, everyone knows he's twenty four.
CONRAD	He says after checking his phone.
JACK EICHEL	Everyone knows—what are you—I knew he was twenty four. Come on. Me and him we go, like, back to the fucking draft day. Directly back to my draft day. We—I know him. He knows me. We know—that we're linemates since the fucking—the start of the season. Before the start of the season! Like, pre-season. That's what we know.
CONRAD	Uh, Jack, uh, do you have any words, for your, uh, unicorn costume you wore at college?
JACK EICHEL	First of all. [pause] I wanna say shout-out to my new fans. Like, thanks for tuning in. Thanks for kno—thanks for listening to me. Like, you know—you know, that I'm—I'm gonna—I'm gonna love you guys for the rest of my life here. The rest of my life. And I wanna shout-out to my Boston fans, you know how I was back then. You know how I—you know how I am. That's just me, you know? That—that's just me. I was who I was then. I am who I am now. I—I got no regrets, you know? I got no regrets. No regrets how I am, no regrets how I was. I got no regrets. And that's how I'm gonna play tomorrow. I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna get no regrets, I'm gonna get six goals tomorrow. Six fucking goals. I'm gonna get fucking two hat tricks. Ovechkin better fucking watch me coming 'cause I'm coming for that fucking scoring title, alright? Here we go.
CONRAD	Alright, uh, thank you Jack. You wanna join us for the, uh, the rest of this podcast?
JACK EICHEL	No, I'm good. I'm out. I'm gonna go, uh, you know, get—go to that—go to the gas station over there. You know. We're good. I'll see you later. Long flight.
CONRAD	Alright, thank you, Jack. Thank you, Jack. Uh, so that was Jack Eichel. Um, he had a lot of words for us, that's for sure.
MARISSA	Yeah. How he's going to get to the gas station is [laughing] beyond me.
CONRAD	He, uh, he can't drive, obviously. 'Cause Jack Eichel is, uh, eighteen years old, doesn't have his driver's license. [laughing] I don't know how he's gonna get there, but, uh.
MARISSA	Or even, like, walk to the dorm where the dorm RAs [unintelligible].
CONRAD	I feel like I should keep drinking. Jack, do you want any more drinks?
MARISSA	Once again, if you have any questions, please tag FOGSquad. We'll be watching, we'll be trying to answer.
JACK EICHEL	No, [unintelligible]. If you have any more questions, let me know.
MARISSA	Shh, shh. Um, I'm not shushing you guys, I'm [laughs] shushing Jack Eichel. Um.
CONRAD	I never thought we would have the opportunity to shush Jack Eichel, but here we are. FOGSquad has really taken off over the past couple of months.
MARISSA	I know. So thanks for all our original fans. If you haven't noticed, we started off with a podcast, so it's an actual honor to be able to continue with this. 'Cause who could imagine that us, a year ago—to now, where we're both sitting in my dorm, with cups of Malibu, trying to shush Jack Eichel, before my RAs can hear him. God, we really made the big leagues, Connie.
CONRAD	You know what, Marissa? I think we need to have a toast right now.
MARISSA	Yeah. Yeah.
CONRAD	Let's have a toast to the douchebags.
MARISSA	Oh, shit. [laughs]
CONRAD	Oh, fuck. [laughs] Okay. Well, that's terrible.
JACK EICHEL	Woah.
MARISSA	It's all over my sleeve.
JACK EICHEL	Woah.
CONRAD	Uh, Jack is still in the room for some reason.
JACK EICHEL	Woah.
CONRAD	[laughing] Go to the bathroom.
MARISSA	Ooh.
JACK EICHEL	Woah.
MARISSA	You talk.
CONRAD	Uh, well, I think one of the, uh, biggest news of the night is, uh, the Sharks score. Pretty sure it's, like, what, four-two right now? Can't wait for it to be six-two. You know what they say, uh, Marissa.
MARISSA	Big... dick.
CONRAD	[pause, laughing] No. Uh, the saying was going to be, uh, "six-two be you." But—you know. Oh, well, actually, it's. Uh, Jack is showing me that it is actually 4-3 right now.
JACK EICHEL	Mm-hm.
CONRAD	Not sure why Jack knows the, uh, NHL score for the Sharks-Lightning game. But, uh, obviously—
MARISSA	Gotta know the competition.
CONRAD	Obviously he's on top of everything, including, uh, whatever—sentence that he just said earlier, which I don't even—I don't remember at this point. Um. Yeah.
MARISSA	Yup. Um. So, the big news is actually how we're going to go switch to a three-on-three style for the All-Star Game. Very controversial. It's actually the most controversial thing currently happening in the NHL.
CONRAD	It's true.
MARISSA	So, it's really something where it could make or break the NHL.
CONRAD	I honestly can't think of a single, like, more controversial event that happened in the past year or so.
MARISSA	It's really the only thing that's happened in the NHL at this level.
CONRAD	Honestly, like, if you—if you asked me right now if I ever thought that this controversy would happen, like, I would say, "No, the NHL's, like—"
JACK EICHEL	Do you mind if I talk [unintelligible]?
MARISSA	What [unintelligible].
CONRAD	Would you let me finish talking, Jack?
JACK EICHEL	I was trying to whisper in your ear. I'm sorry.
CONRAD	You're talking very loudly.
JACK EICHEL	Sorry for the interruption.
CONRAD	Sorry, guys. Jack is, uh, being a little weird today. He's, uh, he's obviously not feeling well. A little under the weather. Uh, if you can't tell, his voice is a little different. That's 'cause he's sick. He's, uh, he's gonna go play that game sick tomorrow.
MARISSA	Yeah, he's 100% sober, he's just very sick right now. [laughs]
CONRAD	Yeah, he's just very, very sick.
MARISSA	Um.
CONRAD	Uh, what was my sentence that I was saying? Oh, the controversy. Like, you know—
MARISSA	The—the only controversy.
CONRAD	The NHL's been around for, what, like, a hundred years or something right now? I mean, the NHL—
MARISSA	Three hundred?
CONRAD	The NHL was around for the Spanish flu. I'm pretty sure that the NHL was here when, uh, Christopher Columbus—
MARISSA	1900s. Know your history. W—I'm so disappointed in you.
CONRAD	I mean, the NHL was founded in the 1900s, so.
MARISSA	No, the NHL—everyone knows that the first NHL game was between the Plymouth Pumletters and the New Jer—
CONRAD	No, no, no. That's wrong. The very first NHL game was an outdoor game starring the Chicago Blackhawks. Uh, you just gotta know this stuff, man. Like, the Chicago Blackhawks—
JACK EICHEL	Yeah, come on now. That's basic history right there.
CONRAD	Basic history. Jack is chiming in—
MARISSA	Thanks, Jack Eichel.
CONRAD	With basic history.
MARISSA	Um.
CONRAD	Jack Eichel is actually four hundred years old. Did you know this? [pause] Jack, can you confirm or deny?
JACK EICHEL	[pause] I'm gonna have to deny that one.
C/M	[laughs]
CONRAD	I mean—
MARISSA	Thanks, Jack.
JACK EICHEL	No problem.
CONRAD	Thank you, Jack. Thank you, Jack.
MARISSA	Do you think this three-on-three thing is gonna work? [pause] Are you fucking gonna answer that question or are you just gonna look at your—
JACK EICHEL	Are you talking to Jack or are you talking to—to FOGSquad member here?
MARISSA	I'm talking to the only person who I'm talking to, Conrad.
CONRAD	I mean, she did say Jack.
JACK EICHEL	She said Jack?
MARISSA	I—I said Jack?
CONRAD	Yeah.
MARISSA	I said Jack.
JACK EICHEL	Did she say Jack?
CONRAD	Yeah, she did.
JACK EICHEL	Okay, as Jack—
CONRAD	[laughing]
JACK EICHEL	I would like to answer the question. So, here's what I think—
C/M	Shh.
JACK EICHEL	About the A—
MARISSA	Volume check.
JACK EICHEL	I'm sorry about the volume. Here's what I think about the A—the NHL All-Star Game three-on-three competition. So, what do we got here? We got insane goaltending, because obviously we're gonna draw the best goaltenders of the NHL at the moment. We got the most insane forwards coming into the NHL All-Star Game ready to score some goals. And what do we got defenseman-wise? We got Erik Karlsson—and that's about it. Maybe PK Su—he's probably going to be in there. PK Subban's going to be in there.
CONRAD	I don't know. Maybe he isn't.
JACK EICHEL	Keep—wouldn't he? I don't know.
MARISSA	Isn't he—isn't he dead?
CONRAD	Well, no. I think, um—
JACK EICHEL	If he's dead, he's not going to be there.
CONRAD	I just don't think he's—I just—
JACK EICHEL	I don't think they draft dead players in the A—NHL Ar-St—All-Star Draft. Regardless, though—
MARISSA	We gotta check—we gotta check the rule book first.
CONRAD	Yeah, we gotta check the rule book.
JACK EICHEL	Alright. I think it's not in the rule book, but if we draft PK Subban and Erik Karlsson, we're gonna have, like, ninety forwards and two defensemen.
CONRAD	Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
JACK EICHEL	So here's what I think.
CONRAD	Mm-hm.
JACK EICHEL	I think it's gonna be—it's gonna be a close game. You know? It's gonna be a three-on-three.
CONRAD	Mm-hm.
JACK EICHEL	It's gonna be hard hockey.
CONRAD	Mm-hm.
MARISSA	God, that's [unintelligible].
JACK EICHEL	Both ways.
CONRAD	Using the body.
JACK EICHEL	For seventeen games.
CONRAD	Using the body.
JACK EICHEL	I mean, I think it's seventeen. I don't know. It might be seventeen games. Seventeen games. Two defensemen. Ninety-thousand forwards. It's gonna be a close match. You know? It's gonna be, like, ninety to ninety each way because the goaltenders are not gonna know what to do with three forwards on the fucking ice besides if they're playing the Ottawa players, or if they're playing the Canadien players. And if you play the Canadien players, you got PK Subban coming in with the slapshot from the point because he's got those fucking solid snipes. If you got Karlsson from the Ottawa ti—Ottawa players, you got him coming in—
MARISSA	Wrap it up. Wrap it up.
JACK EICHEL	Wake—okay, to wrap up—
CONRAD	[laughs]
JACK EICHEL	I think it's gonna be—it's gonna be a good time, you know? You got John Scott in there, he's gonna make a huge splash in the A—All-Star Game. He's gonna be a good time, and. You know, it's gonna be a good time. Three-on three: it's the future. The future of the NHL. Three-on-three for sixty minutes. That's the way it's gonna go. That's what I gotta say about that.
CONRAD	Alright. Thank you—thank you, Jack. Uh.
MARISSA	Hell yeah, Jack.
CONRAD	Hell yeah, Jack.
JACK EICHEL	Thank you very much.
MARISSA	Is someone banging on the wall again?
CONRAD	Um.
JACK EICHEL	That's me, actually. I'm banging someone right now.
C/M	[laughing]
CONRAD	Your stroke game's kinda weak, though. I gotta say.
MARISSA	Okay. So once again, if you have any questions, please @FOGSquad, don't tag it. 'Cause it's a lot of fucking work. Like, to check a tag. So what's up with Twitter. But, um.
JACK EICHEL	I got a game tomorrow. I gotta get ready right now.
MARISSA	Someone keeps banging on the wall. That's all I can think about right now. Um—
CONRAD	That's Jack. We already—we already cleared this.
MARISSA	But I really enjoy—
JACK EICHEL	This is gold.
MARISSA	This idea of a three-on-three.
CONRAD	You do?
MARISSA	The issue is when there's five players on the ice, that's too many. I can't count that high!
CONRAD	[laughs] It's true!
MARISSA	It's hard to keep track. And then—
CONRAD	I mean, just think about it. Right? Like, okay. So there's two forwards on each team?
MARISSA	Three? I think there's three.
CONRAD	Three? Okay. I think there's three. Then there's the two—um, the two—what do you call them?
MARISSA	God, there's just so many I can't even keep track!
CONRAD	What are they called? Are they called uh, uh, uh, de—defense—defense people?
MARISSA	Bangers.
CONRAD	Bangers.
MARISSA	They're called bangers.
CONRAD	They're called bangers. Perfect. And then you got that, uh, uh, what's it called—um, the—
MARISSA	Marshmallow man.
CONRAD	Yeah, the marshmallow man in net, you know? And then that's—that's five players on one team. Like—
MARISSA	God, like.
CONRAD	And then there's two teams! There's two teams!
MARISSA	And—and then they—and then they switch!
CONRAD	And then—yeah, and then they switch sides, you're like, "Oh, colors!"
MARISSA	It's like— [unintelligible] Who wore—who is this?
CONRAD	[unintelligible] wear white, who's wearing the colors, you know? Like, I feel like it's a racist thing, you know? [unintelligible] Like, um, I dont—I don't understand it. It's just—it's just—it's just too much. And then there's players on the bench? Like, bench players? Like, who's the bench players? Like, do you want me to count twenty four more people? Like, I can't do this! I can't do this!
MARISSA	Oh my god!
CONRAD	I can't do this math! I can't do this math!
MARISSA	It feels like I need a mathematical degree in [unintelligible] to even follow who's on the ice at this point.
CONRAD	I need, like, a computer science degree in order to just keep up with hockey. Like, I just don't think it's physically possible at this rate.
MARISSA	I know. So they're really—this is just—something that's been needed to be done forever. I think they should actually just completely cut out the five—what is that, five-on-five structure they normally do.
CONRAD	Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
MARISSA	And just do it constantly, because—
CONRAD	Like, three-on-three? Honestly, I feel like every NHL team should only have three players.
MARISSA	Yeah. It's just—cut 'em.
CONRAD	Just think about—think about how much easier it would be to count those numbers. Three. Three. Three plus three is— [pause]
MARISSA	And it means, like—the big thing is every player wants to make sure their name's recognized. So if we actually cut it down to just three players per NHL team, those players get name recognition that—
CONRAD	Exactly, exactly! Like, uh, let's just think of some random player that nobody would ever think about. Steven Stamkos. You'd obviously know Steven Stamkos, right? Just think about it.
MARISSA	who's Steven Stamkos?
CONRAD	Uh, Steve? His name's Steve, I think?
MARISSA	Oh! You mean Steve—you mean Steve from Tampa Bay.
CONRAD	Yes. Steve from Tampa Bay. [laughs] Our—our friend Steve, uh, shout-out Steve. Uh, really disappointed you can't be here tonight. But, uh, really missing you, man. Um. [sniffs] I just got really emotional [tearfully] because I miss you so much. And—Steve, please call me back. I miss you so much. Please don't ignore me.
MARISSA	Okay, so. Back on this new structure. I think it's just really the turn of the century, because the NHL is outdated. 'Cause what happens is you have these grown men who put on—like, colors. I thought—I don't know. I kinda lost my train.
CONRAD	[unintelligible] But not only that, but they're putting all this padding on. What are you protecting yourself from? Polio?
MARISSA	It makes you really suspicious, 'cause when there's like, grown men going on the ice completely covered in body armor, like white men with body armor, like—in this economy? Like.
CONRAD	I feel like I'm going to be colonized. I feel like my body's about to be colonized.
MARISSA	Exactly. Like, as a white person, even I'm afraid. Like—
CONRAD	You should be. I feel like you would clutch your purse closer to you when you get into an elevator with one of those large men, you know?
MARISSA	Yeah.
CONRAD	Yeah. It's just like, they're just—they're just so much, you know? It's—it's unnecessary. Hon—honestly, Marissa, this might be controversial, and I want you to stick with me here, but I think the NHL should be cancelled.
MARISSA	You're gonna have to expand on that, and you're gonna have to use a little more detail.
JACK EICHEL	Can I say something?
CONRAD	Jack—
MARISSA	Jack Eichel, shut up.
CONRAD	Shut up, Jack.
JACK EICHEL	Before you expand on that, I just wanna ask if there's any more liquor in this room before I go on.
MARISSA	Okay, we're not—okay, he's—we don't know what he's talking about.
CONRAD	I don't know what liquor is. We're—clearly—
MARISSA	We don't know what liquor means. We're all twelve years old here. Um. [pause] But back on your thought of expanding, 'cause Jack Eichel now has no more permission to talk.
CONRAD	Of course, yes. Um, I mean, just think about it. Like, just think about how much money we would have if the NHL was just cancelled, you know? Like, how much money, you know, do you put into the NHL? Like, I would think at least twenty dollars, you know. At least. At the very least. Minimum, twenty dollars, you know?
MARISSA	You could probably—if you completely cancelled the entire NHL season, you could probably have enough money to buy a poor girl a teddy bear for Christmas.
CONRAD	Or you could buy a pizza, you know? You could buy a good pizza with that twenty dollars.
MARISSA	Yeah, like. Now that you say it, when I think, like. When I'm comparing eighty-two games a season per team to having a pizza, like.
CONRAD	It's not worth it. It's not worth it.
MARISSA	When you put it in those terms, it's definitely worth the thought. It's definitely worth some more discussion.
CONRAD	Let us know what you guys think about the NHL being cancelled forever. Uh, don't forget that the NHL was alive during the Spanish flu. Uh, therefore, it's—it's been around for a little too long, in my opinion. Just a little bit too long.
MARISSA	Everything that's good must end, and god knows it hasn't been good in a while.
CONRAD	That's true. That's true.
JACK EICHEL	Can I comment on this?
MARISSA	Jack Eichel will—does not have permission to comment.
CONRAD	Shut the front door, Jack Eichel.
JACK EICHEL	[laughs]
CONRAD	Honestly, I—
JACK EICHEL	I just—I just really—I need to comment here.
CONRAD	I'm disappointed in the fact that he's here.
JACK EICHEL	Give me a ten second splurge here.
CONRAD	Your last ten second splurge was literally five minutes.
MARISSA	Five seconds.
JACK EICHEL	Give me five seconds? You know, as—as a—as a Boston student, I really regret—
MARISSA	One, two, three, four, five. Okay. That— [laughs] Shh, shh, shh. That was five seconds of Jack Eichel.
CONRAD	Uh, Marissa, I just wanna let you know that we just got a surprise guest in this room.
MARISSA	Oh, please don't do this. Oh.
CONRAD	I'm dead serious. I wanna—I wanna tell you right now. Uh, can we bring in, uh, Brianna Decker? Hello, Brianna. Hello, Brianna.
C/M	[unintelligible]
MARISSA	Brianna Decker isn't in here because we're running out of time.
CONRAD	Are we really?
MARISSA	Yeah. Time is an illusion and it's not real but we still got like—
CONRAD	You know, honestly, that's something you'd [unintelligible].
MARISSA	Six minutes left.
CONRAD	Alright, like. If you have any questions, like, feel free to shoot them our way. God knows we're not doing anything else at this point.
MARISSA	God knows we're running out of time. We have six minutes left.
CONRAD	Uh, Jack Eichel is [unintelligible] in the corner.
MARISSA	[singing] Why do you podcast like you're running out of time?
CONRAD	[laughing] You sounded terrible. You are so off-key right there, like. Do you think that for the last six minutes we should just play Hamilton?
MARISSA	God, no.
CONRAD	Okay. I'm just saying that we would probably get sued.
MARISSA	That—that's a hard no.
CONRAD	That—we would probably get sued as well.
MARISSA	A really hard no.
CONRAD	Yeah. [unintelligible] I mean, uh, Jack Eichel is talking behind me and I don't know wanna know what he's talking about because it's starting to get pretty crazy back there.
MARISSA	Yeah.
CONRAD	[pause] He's looking for a special drink, and I will be right back. Marissa, can you please fill in this, uh, radio silence?
MARISSA	Um. This is a lot of pressure.
JACK EICHEL	I can help.
MARISSA	But, you know what? I kind of just wanna look back at the year we had. Because—little do you know—that FOGSquad started off as two high school girls writing shit on the Internet, and now we're two college girls writing shit on the Internet. And it's just an honor to be able to grow and to get to this level of success. So we'd like to thank all the fans for being with us. And to all the haters, we'd like to say—you know what? We've—we're better than you. Fuck the haters.
CONRAD	Uh, the haters have actually made us stronger, if you ask me. We're so strong now because of all the hatred.
MARISSA	Little do they know that whenever someone talks shit about FOGSquad, two new people learn about FOGquad and two people love hog—FOGSquad. [laughs]
CONRAD	We're like—
MARISSA	And we're like a hydra.
CONRAD	We're like a terrible, shame hydra.
MARISSA	You cut one head off, and two—
JACK EICHEL	Buffalo. I'm your future.
CONRAD	[unintelligible], Jack Eichel.
MARISSA	He's getting really sloppy. I'm sorry. Hey Stephanie! Thanks for listening to our podcast. Thanks for interacting with us on the tweeter. Um, I [laughs] appreciate it. Um, having, like, five minutes is a lot of pressure, I'm not going to lie.
CONRAD	Um, I can't find the special drink and that's really disappointing me right now.
JACK EICHEL	Where's the Bailey's at?
CONRAD	Jack Eichel did not say Bailey's, he said Railey's, which is actually a very good, uh, Cola brand, if you ask me.
MARISSA	Yeah, I love a good Railey's.
CONRAD	[laughs]
MARISSA	Speaking of Railey's, let's talk about Raleigh. Um, how are the Carolinas doing this season?
JACK EICHEL	Hey, they won tonight, I saw that [unintelligible].
CONRAD	Jack Eichel, uh, do you—do you keep up with the Carolina Hurricanes?
MARISSA	We're not talking to Jack Eichel anymore, I swear to god.
JACK EICHEL	If Eric Staal didn't get a motherfucking goal called off—
MARISSA	Shh. Shh. [laughs]
CONRAD	You are being so loud right now. What is wrong with you?
C/M	[laughs]
CONRAD	For a man who's completely sober, you are very loud right now.
JACK EICHEL	[unintelligible] switched goalies—
MARISSA	For a man who's completely sober, you're really fucking drunk right now.
JACK EICHEL	Where's the Bailey's?
CONRAD	He was saying Railey's, everybody. Railey's.
JACK EICHEL	The Bailey's liquor!
MARISSA	Does anyone know what happened to Jeff Skinner, like, please. If you're—Jeff Skinner, if you're out there listening, please tweet me, let me know that you're doing okay.
CONRAD	Uh—
MARISSA	It's just—
CONRAD	We got a—we got a question.
MARISSA	Oh!
CONRAD	Jenn Hamburglar, @SharksJenn, uh, @FOGSquad, "Do you like to bunch mox?" And that's a good question.
MARISSA	Um.
CONRAD	What—what is your answer, uh—
MARISSA	This person doesn't follow me on Twitter, first of all.
CONRAD	[pause, laughs] Okay, well. That seemed weirdly specific, but alright, like—
MARISSA	I feel like bunching mox is now the most out-of-date joke right now.
CONRAD	You know, for somebody who, uh, was on Deadspin because of that fucking tweet, I—I hate it. I hate bunching mox. I—I just—every time I just see one I'm just like, Jamie Benn, and I just see his cow face.
MARISSA	Are you being homophobic right now?
CONRAD	Yes, I am, actually.
JACK EICHEL	Can I go in on this?
CONRAD	Jack Eichel—
MARISSA	Jack Eichel is not allowed to talk about this.
CONRAD	Jack Eichel has—not in this room anymore, uh, I'm—I'm glad because I hon—honestly regret having Jack on this show.
MARISSA	I do, too.
CONRAD	We should've gotten—we should've gotten Jonathan Toews again.
MARISSA	Jonathan Toews. We could've even gotten the homeless guy down the street and he probably would've been far less combative.
CONRAD	Uh, Jonathan Toews, if you're out there, uh, we miss you. We'd like you to come back on this show. Uh—
MARISSA	Hopefully you studied more about your background, jesus fucking christ.
CONRAD	Uh, Jonathan, um, if you're out there, don't know if you are, uh, you probably—you might be busy. You might be busy at, uh, Columbia, or wherever it is that you go to "school." Um, but, uh, we miss you, we'd like you to come back. Please, please, for the love of god, come back. Don't let us talk to Jack Eichel anymore.
MARISSA	[sing-song] Daddy.
CONRAD	What was that?
MARISSA	Um.
CONRAD	What did you just say?
MARISSA	I thought we were running out of time. But we don't. We actually have quite a few minutes left.
CONRAD	We have three minutes, and that's pretty good. So, uh, if you have any questions, please send them our way. We are running out of information to tell you. Um. [blows raspberry] Clearly.
JACK EICHEL	I have some stuff.
CONRAD	Oh god, Jack. Please don't talk to us anymore.
MARISSA	But. [pause] I think—the Los Angeles Kings are going to win the Stanley Cup. I'm just going to throw it out there. Like, stone me, like. Please, I'm into that. That's a thing for me.
CONRAD	Uh, honestly, I'll tell you right now that, uh, you did get a Los Angeles Kings Stanley Cup Champions 2015-2016 tattoo, did you not?
MARISSA	Oh, um, this is awkward. Because, I love this person, but I'm—I drunk way too much—I drunk half a bottle of Malibu, and so—
CONRAD	Did you not know how to say Malibu?
MARISSA	"Gron-yay?" I love you. You're winning the fantasy pool. I'm sorry for fucking up your name. Um, we have—we're actually out of seconds, so. Thanks to the fans. If you wanna listen to another podcast, let us know. We might be sober, we might not be sober. Just give us some critique so we know what's happening. Oh, We actually have a minute and a half left. It gave me the voice warning me, so, now.
CONRAD	Uh, I mean, Jack says he wants to talk some more but I'm unwilling to hand him the—
MARISSA	Do you remember that movie, "Max Keeble's Big Move?" That's what it feels right now because I tried to end the podcast there and we have a minute and a half, and it's like when this kid—so the plot of the movie is basically like, this kid thinks that, um, [laughs] thinks that his parents are moving so he kind of burns all the bridges and is like, "Fuck you" to a teacher and stuff and it turns out he's not moving.
CONRAD	[laughs] Uh, I don't know what she's talking about 'cause, uh, I am exactly six years old.
MARISSA	Where's my cup?
CONRAD	I don't know what you're talking about. It's on the table, by the way. Uh, so we're, uh, we're almost over. This was a great thirty minutes with you guys. I always miss talking to you. Uh, our next podcast may be next week, may be never.
MARISSA	Maybe could be in ten minutes.
CONRAD	It could be in ten minutes.
MARISSA	Let us know if you wanna hear us more.
CONRAD	I mean, we can bring Jack back if you really want to.
JACK EICHEL	[unintelligible]
CONRAD	Please—please don't talk, Jack.
JACK EICHEL	We're good to go—
MARISSA	Please tell us if you hate Jack so we can not [unintelligible].
CONRAD	If you tell us Jack sucks then we will never bring him back. We can bring on, like, a better—
JACK EICHEL	No, we're good to go—
CONRAD	We can, uh, we can bring back Jonathan Toews, we can, uh, I think we have connections [unintelligible]—
MARISSA	[unintelligible] We can bring in more—
CONRAD	We have connections—
JACK EICHEL	[unintelligible] five seconds—
MARISSA	[laughing]
CONRAD	We have connections with, uh, Joe Pavelski, and, uh, we can bring him in if necessary.
MARISSA	We just gotta buy the cheese curds in advance. He'll come.
CONRAD	So, uh, thank you, everybody. This is FOGSquad, logging off.
JACK EICHEL	[unintelligible] five seconds. Yo, Buffalo's gonna come, we're gonna come win that Cup, Foligno's scoring some goals here, Linus Ullmark!

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Thank you to our good friend, Jack Eichel, for taking time out of his very busy day to be such an unmanageable guest.