Which Hockey Writer/Reporter Should You Fight?

Welcome back to FOGSquad! We have a fun, exciting article for you today. Have you ever seen a hockey reporter come across your timeline and you think, "Oh my god, I wanna punch this *********** right in their face?" Of course you have! We have all felt that feeling. However, you should know that there are some people you just shouldn't fight. We've compiled a good list of hockey writers and reporters in an attempt to help you decide which one you should and shouldn't fight.

Katie Baker
Get out of my house, you sad excuse you for a son. I didn't raise you to turn into this. You destroyed this family, Hunter Owen. You broke us apart.

Brodie Brazil
Something in me says "fight Brodie Brazil because the chances are good that you will win," but something else inside me says "if you fight a guy named Brodie Brazil you're basically setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment." If you win, you can't tell anyone that you fought a guy named Brodie Brazil and won. If you lose, you can't tell anyone that you fought a guy named Brodie Brazil and lost. So, I guess, don't fight Brodie Brazil. It's not worth it.

Larry Brooks
If you don't fight Larry Brooks, someone else will.

Steve Dangle
What do you think?

James Duthie
Fight James Duthie. Absolutely fight James Duthie. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate him, and neither should you. He seems like a good enough person. I just feel like you should fight James Duthie because, if you were given the opportunity to fight him, you should. It's kind of like one of those bucket list things, you know? If you had the chance to eat an entire 10 pound burger, why wouldn't you? It's the same thing.

Sean Gentille
You should probably fight Sean Gentille. You'll probably definitely win.

Joe Haggerty
Please, for the love of god, fight Joe Haggerty. Punch him right in the face. Refuse to call him by his real name and call him Sean instead, even as he attempts to correct you with your fist on his solar plexus. I have no idea if you will win or lose but it'll probably feel pretty good to fight Joe Haggerty.

Kevin Kurz
Absolutely fight Kevin Kurz. If I saw Kevin Kurz on the other side of the street, I'd run through traffic just to leap off a fire hydrant and punch him in the face. Just start playing some Avicii hit (I suggest Addicted To You, but I know for a fact that Kevin Kurz hates one of the finest songs of our generation, Wake Me Up) and he'll start complaining about how these Millenials don't know what real music is anymore and you could go straight for the throat. He's a giant baby swaddled in man skin and you will definitely be able to defeat him. You really don't need to have a strategy either, just pull out your favorite WWE wrestling move and throw Kevin Kurz's tiny reporter body off the top rope. There is nothing that says you shouldn't fight Kevin Kurz. Fight him. Pull out one of his teeth as a trophy.

Mark Lazerus
Do not fight Mark Lazerus. You will lose. Badly.

Pierre LeBrun
I don't know. I feel like you should try to fight Pierre LeBrun, but you would probably lose. But what if you win, you know? So if you have nothing better to do, fight Pierre LeBrun.

Bob McKenzie
What is wrong with you?

Tracey Meyers
I feel like you should fight Tracey Meyers. She'd be an excellent opponent, in my humble opinion. She seems like the kind of person who could easily chokehold you into submission before laughing and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and helping you up. Fight Tracey Meyers. It'll be a good experience for you.

James Mirtle
Fight James Mirtle. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, if you have the opportunity to fight James Mirtle, do it. I don't care if it's a black belt judo match, I don't care if it's a Table/Ladder/Chair match at Wrestlemania C, I don't care if it's an underground brawl in the parking garage of the Hewlett-Packard office building. Fight him. No shirt, no shoes. You'll spit up a few teeth and a lot of blood but you should know that every punch you take, James Mirtle will also take. Fight James Mirtle, and when 15 minutes pass and no clear winner has been shown, just know that you fight James Mirtle and punched him in the face and made him bleed. You will know that you won. You did.

Jay Onrait
Who wants to fight Jay Onrait? No one wants to fight Jay Onrait. Don't fight Jay Onrait.

Rob Rossi
Now that's a hard one. Personal bias tells me that you should definitely fight Rob Rossi and take him down with a good knock-out punch. However, pure logic tells me that Rob Rossi will destroy you within five minutes and then eat your liver while you watch. He'll just put his hand right into your giblets and pull out your liver and eat it. In a perfect world, you would fight Rob Rossi and you would win, and the entire population of North America would parade you around like in Rocky. But in the real world, fighting Rob Rossi would only lead to your demise. Therefore, I must say—with a heavy heart—that you should not fight Rob Rossi.

Jesse Spector
I have no opinion on Jesse Spector. I cannot judge this man's personality if I do not know anything about him. But, I mean, fight him. Why not? In this hypothetical situation you have pretty much nothing to lose. Maybe you'll spend a few hypothetical days in jail or, if you're white, get a hypothetical "oh, you" from police. You might win. You might lose. You'll probably win, though.

Eric Stephens
I don't know. I'm torn on this one. Yeah, he's the Ducks beat writer, but like. He seems like a decent enough dude. I feel like you'd grapple in the middle of a dusty ring until, several minutes later, the both of you realize this match will only end in a stalemate. You clasp hands, your hearts full of respect. Then you get beers and share stories about life. So my answer is fight Eric Stephens, but know that you'll only get a lot of great memories and maybe even a greater friend at the end.

Corey Sznajder
Jesus christ, why would you wanna fight Corey Sznajder? The poor man hasn't done anything to you. He's just trying to have a good time with these numbers and statistics. Don't fight Corey Sznajder. Not because he'll win, but because he's a huge nerd and you'll only feel bad after you snap his nerd body in half with nothing more than a vague punch in his direction. What kind of monster are you? If you fight Corey Sznajder not even god can forgive you. You'll be at the pearly gates and the big man himself will look at you and frown. He's so ashamed.

Greg Wyshynski
Fight Greg Wyshynski. Fight him for a century. When the Earth crumbles and there is nothing left in this solar system, you will still be fighting Greg Wyshynski.

And here are a few bonuses...

FOGSquad
Even I would fight the Squad. You should try to fight us but you probably will not like it. Neither will we.

Jewels From The Crown
Fight them. Every single one of them. Don't worry about taking turns, just tell them all to come at you. You'd win in seconds. Turn them upside-down and shake their lunch money out of their pockets.

[EDIT ctsai666 5/12/15 8:54 PM] Some people have questioned leaving out certain people, like Adrian Dater and Harrison Mooney. I'd like to state that the only reason I left these two writers/abusers out is because I assumed we'd all gotten our punches in already. However, to clarify, I will state that in all circumstances, timelines, and universes, you should absolutely fight both Adrian Dater and Harrison Mooney. It will not be difficult. Destroy them.

Furthermore, Fear The Fin has wondered if it, as an entity (thus including the website as well as all its writers) belong on this list. The official FOGSquad statement is that The Squad has no beef with Fear The Fin. We do not find them threatening or worthy of our attention. That is all.